Was I an angel? NO!!! I have also sinned terribly in my anger before my departure and continued quite some time after that.
I remember a prompting inside of me before I threw in the towel: "You will never find another job if you resign from this one!"
Oh man! How I struggled with it! The agony of staying was unbearable! The burning urge to take revenge...the sweet revenge! The feeling of my mind snapping anytime...the heart attack that I had! I couldn't take it anymore! I was totally pissed off!
Did I carry out my plan of revenge? Feebly. Honestly, I didn't have the guts to do it. And I consoled myself spiritually with Romans 12:19 : "Vengeance is Mine. I will repay". I was saying Amen deep inside me. Yes God! Fry that bastard ex-boss of mine! Fry him! Bring down brimstone and fire on him!
Did God answer?
The last I heard was that he was again promoted. He was promoted just before I resigned. A year after that, he was promoted again! Is this justice? Again I consoled myself with what I heard about him; that he was very into women, that is, lustful! The best part of it was that he was a devout Catholic!
Despite being without a job, I thank God for providing me the substance to tithe, give allowance to my wife, give to charity and spend. I am thankful to God for His generosity in keeping me debt-free! Every cent in my bank account is an asset. I have zero debt! Let's not go into whether this is any confirmation or affirmation of what I'm doing. I am really not sure myself. I just feel like a piece of shit without a job.
On the home front, pressure was mounting. My wife went berserk and who can blame her? This understanding came after many instances of me being brought to my knees, literally, in tears. If an average Christian like men is struggling with living by faith, what more my wife who is not yet a believer?!? It is no wonder she employed worldly tactics of threats, insults, humiliation and nagging. Life was living hell! It came to a point when I was prepared to let go of the marriage. If God is with this marriage, He will keep it intact. If He is not, I don;t want it either. I am still married!
My job search. Immediately after leaving my previous job, I got employed an an insurance agent. But all this while, I loved on a facade of a business owner, even until now. I needed a "shield" against the worldly perceptions and questions which I have no answers. I find it too burdensome to explain what I am doing because I have no freaken idea myself! I choose to think I am living by faith but I am really not sure! I know I would be under pressure to prove the truth of God's Word which is really beyond me. So to avoid all that unnecessary troubles, the facade serves me well while I believe I am living by faith. I have managed to at least put up a credible front of an internet business. One of my blogs even became #1 on Google search engine only to be shut down by Google months later for no apparent reason! Thus far, I made $0.24 from Amazon. Doubts mounting! But there is nothing I could do!
Now back to the insurance job. I was at it for only one year. There was this overwhelming sense of fear within me. I know not why but it was enough to make me quit. I made about $1,500 in that year. I later learnt about the Holy Spirit leading by a sense of peace. Did I make the right decision? Again I am not sure. But Iam peaceful now.
Then I got a job as an Office Manager for 2 days before I was asked to leave! My shortest employment stint ! Why? I believe it was a case of self-sabotage. I really did not quite know what happened. The boss' secretary said something untrue about me. I corrected her. The secretary arranged a meeting with the boss and me regarding some work issues. During the meeting, the boss said nasty things before he remarked that I am not suitable for the job. I said he is right. I left!
Thereafter, my friend offered me a part-time job at $75 per day. I took it for one week but left on suspicion of being prepared as a scapegoat. Nontheless, we are still friends.
Then I applied for another job and was offered employment at $5,000 per month with 3 months' fixed bonus. But for some unknown reasons, I rejected that offer with another facade of a $7,000 per month job. Looking bad, I was afraid to take up that job.
One of my ex-colleagues, who was then reporting to my ex-boss, managed to convince my ex-boss to re-employ me. But my anger towards my ex-boss was still very much alive then. I not only blasted that ex-colleague of mine but also spilled the beans on my ex-boss. I have not heard from that ex-colleague after we met up a few times thereafter.
Then, I applied for another job and was called for a final interview. Again, I rejected that interview because it was granted on the "merit" of me having worked with my ex-boss. You see, my ex-boss is an influential figure in the industry I used to work.
The next two interviews ended up in failure.
So, I am still jobless with a dwindling bank account. Thoughts of resorting to flattery, self-demeaning ways were mounting daily. Guilt and condemnation are killing me, especially when I found out that God considers a man who does not provide for his family an infidel! But I am providing by His grace...at least for now.
I really believe God is providing for me. Why do I say that? The Lehman Brother saga has released my investment-linked insurance policies by my local insurer, who made an unprecedented move of returning the principal investment sum to its customers. I believe God did it for me!
Now, 29 May 2011 at 0430 hrs, I have this to say. If God has promised that whatever my hand touches shall prosper, then I take His Word for it. That my internet business shall flourish and I will be able to spend time with my two beautiful daughters; to be with them in their growing years And I am spending long hours building that business. I believe God has blessed me to be a blessing. I believe my God shall supply my every need according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. I believe that the Lord is my Shepherd and I shall not lack. I know the grace of my Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for my sake He died poor; so that I might become rich through His poverty! I believe my Abba Father shall bless me exceedingly, abundantly and above all that I ask or think. I believe that since God did not spare His one and only beloved Son, Jesus Christ, but gave Him up for me, He has also together with Him FREELY given me ALL things. I believe I shall lend to many but borrow from none! I believe that God is not a man that He should lie, neither the Son of Man that He should repent. For has He said and shall He not do it or has He promised and shall He not make it good. I am fully convinced and satisfied that God is able to do what He said and to make good what He has promised. And that God watches over His Word to perform it and that His Word shall not return to Him void but it shall accomplish what it is sent to do and shall prosper the thing to which it is sent! God has made me a king and a priest through the death, burial and resurrection of His one and only Beloved Son, Jesus Christ. And it is written that where the word of a king is, there is power! Again, it is written that a priest will settle any disputes with his declaration. And I learned from my pastor that satan is not a priest! He is a liar! So, as a presit and king, I declare that all the promises of God which are Yes and Amen in Christ Jesus, shall manifest in my life by the precious Blood of Jesus Christ of Nazareth!
Thank You Triune God!!!
God first declared us righteous by the precious Blood of His one and only Beloved Son, Jesus Christ. We then live by faith. The world will later see the manifestation of that faith in material things happening in our lives. May all glory redound to God the Father and praise be to God the Son, Jesus Christ and thanks be to God the blessed Holy Spirit!
God is so patient, kind and forbearing. His loving-kindness endures forever! He is so satisfied with what His one and only Beloved Son Jesus Christ has done. And me, a mere men, beneficiary of His amazing grace, is still learning to accept what Jesus Christ has accomplished more than 2,000 years ago! The victory He has secured for me, as me and in me!
I am God's righteousness not because I am righteous by my actions. God sees me righteous by the precious Blood of His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, even when I am not so by my own actions. That is the just living by faith!
About that anger against my ex-boss? The blessed Holy Spirit showed me this: My horrific sin (noun) and sins (verb) were punished in the Body of Jesus Christ and it satisfied God. All offenses and wrongdoings (perceived and/or real) against me were also included in the passion, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Am I satisfied with that? I am still learning this truth by the grace of God.
When it comes to the things of God, it really has nothing to do with what I feel or see . But it has got everything to do with reading the Word. One will not read something unless that one believe it. So the simple act of reading the Word is by itself belief! God made things simple, I complicated them.
Even when I feel that the Word is dry, I read it aloud and focus on reading It aloud! When I give voice to God's Word, the container of His Power, it comes to life by the power of the blessed Holy Spirit! Even when I don't see or feel it coming to life, there and then at the point of reading out loud the Word of God, the blessed Holy Spirit is doing wonders! Wars are fought and won by Him for , in and as me!
My part is to read the Word. Understanding comes from God by the power of the blessed Holy Spirit Who comes to remind me All about Jesus! For instance, the eunuch who read Isaiah and the 2 disciples on the road to Emmaus. Just read the Word! Confirmation and affirmation may come from the preacher in church or God's Word just spring to me inside of me. I will know it!
The more oppressed I feel, the more I find circumstances coming against me, the more I should read the Word. Satan will get the point! Ouch! That really hurts is what satan will say! Why should I just keep quiet and accept all the rubbish that satan is throwing my way?!? I clobber him in return by reading God's Word aloud! For my weapons are not carnal but spiritual. I read the Word. The spiritual warfare is in the spiritual realm.
That is why satan's tactic has always been to get me away from the Word and to rely on other things that are powerless against him.. That is also why Scrioture says: "Looking away from all that distracts towards Jesus; pressing toward toward the goal...fighting the good fight of faith.
I have fallen for his tactic of distraction for too long now. Blessed Holy Spirit, keep me on the right track.
In Luke 11, Jesus said that the only sign I will get is Jonah. What about Jonah? It is this: the Word said Jonah was swallowed by a big fish and that he was inside it's stomach for 3 days and 3 nights! If the Word of God said so, it is so! Hence, God's Word is the sign I ask for today.
